Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
