I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
