Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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