I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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