I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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