dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
