i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
