When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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