I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
