OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
