dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
