That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
