shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
