we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
