I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
