Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
