I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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