She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's the barista slut.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
