I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
