The maid of honor just puked.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
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She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
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So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.