The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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