How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
