God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i love accidental penises.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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