My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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