I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
