you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
