I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
