Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
