I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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