you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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