remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
