Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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