dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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