I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
