Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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