I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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