Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
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