Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
