Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
this is an emotional support booty call
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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