How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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