you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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