At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
this hospital has no fireball
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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