I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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