I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize