She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
