we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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