Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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