i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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