I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
