Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
