I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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